it's something to do

           SATURDAY 6/29/19 11:32AM--I'm thinking of going out tonight to the OTWC...A Band I've never heard of is supposed to be playing there...they have a ReverbNation page, but that's all--as far as I can see...it's something to do...Dianne will be out until roughly Dinnertime...not only do I wanna take a nap after Lunch, I NEED a nap...
       4:03PM--just woke up and got outta bed about ten minutes ago...the nap was almost two hours long, I guess I really did need the sleep...I was even able to "satisfy" myself... I guess it will never be as pleasurable an experience as it used to be...
          Dianne walked in the door about five minutes ago...and she's going back out in about thirty minutes, to get her nails done...I'm gonna start making my Dinner at 5:00, after which I plan on taking a shower and whatnot...I wanna be at the OTWC by 8:30...I expect to be home before eleven o'clock...
               Tomorrow I'm going with Dianne to have brunch with her parents...I wonder if they're ever gonna ask about me getting the same thing every time--a cheese omelet...I kinda wouldn't know what else to get...oh well...but before we go to see them, I might be going to Giant to buy soda, if nothing else...unless I go on the way home from the OTWC...that seems more likely...
      SUNDAY 6/30/19 12:04AM--I didn't make any stops on the way home...I think I can go to the grocery store later this morning, after breakfast...
 9:43AM--My plan to go to the grocery store this morning has become a plan to go to the Store after the visit with Dianne's parents...but it's gonna be a lot hotter then than now...
8:42PM--Maybe I shouldn't, but I'm starting to feel stressed about my house sitting job...I'm scheduled to talk to Linda sometime tomorrow...I'm gonna ask her to write out the instructions as if she was writing to a 12 year old...I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to do Laundry before "moving" to Rockville...

what about later?

          FRIDAY 6/28/19 9:50AM--a little while ago, I was checking a certain "adult" site...I became more than a little "frustrated"...it kinda bothered me...if I can't fully enjoy that sensation physically anymore, why would I still have the (intellectual?) desires--am I being punished by...someone or something? there isn't much I wouldn't trade to once again be able to experience that kind of pleasure...For any of several reasons, I strongly suspect I'll never again be able to "enjoy myself"--and that was the only sex life I had...the possibility that my housemate has the same problem doesn't help much...
       10:30AM--I'm thinking about making an attempt at "self satisfaction" later...but I'm just as likely to skip it altogether...I wouldn't be surprised if there was an OTC drug that might help people get back what they've lost...SLIGHTLY LATER--there doesn't seem to be any such medicine...it figures...of course, even IF I was perfectly healthy with a 7-inch "tool", I would still be me, with this face and a 64 year old (and deteriorating) body...and of course, I have to consider my roommate's feelings...if the shoe were on the other foot, I would be "uncomfortable" too...
        I guess I should be fairly happy with my Life the way it is now, but I'm not quite...it absolutely doesn't matter how many women I'm attracted to, or if I have my roommate's blessing...or if I was "well equipped", or even a little handsome...as far as I know, no women are the least bit attracted to ME--except, maybe as friends...whereas I, on the other hand, think about what it would be like to have a bit more than a friendship with a number of women...pathetic innit?
         Even long distance, I'd like to have a relationship with Shelley...I'd possibly have more success wishing for a million dollars...thinking there are people out there who don't wanna interact with me socially hurts quite a bit...I know she's not who she used to be, just like I'm not who *I* used to be...what I don't know, I suppose, is would I like whoever she is now? I'm not all that crazy about who *I* am now--I'd like to think I'm a better "me" than I was when I was around the age of eighteen...but I might NOT be...a little better looking, maybe...
      4:23PM--It wasn't easy, but I, uh, er, was successful in accomplishing my mission...it wasn't quite the euphoric event that it used to be, but I'm grateful that it happened at all...thanks to some degree to Angela...and that certain website...

not what I had in Mind

          THURSDAY 6/27/19 11:35AM--I had hoped the girls would have been here and gone by now...but they haven't been here yet...to me that sucks...probably not gonna get any kind of nap today...and THAT sucks too...I guarantee if I lay down on the sofa, they'll show up...
12:15PM-the girls got here about ten minutes ago...I’m hanging out at Dunkin Donuts until one o’clock...
2:11PM--didn't get a nap yet, didn't work on my "homework" yet either...I hope to be back home by about 3:30; I just wanna load my stuff into the OTWC and come home...gonna try for another nap and I wanna practice a little, then shower and shave...
5:48PM--a teeny tiny nap, a teeny bit of practice...I showered and shaved...and I was able to find someplace to turn my coins into paper money...ended up with about $20, which oughta be enough to buy Dinner...
FRIDAY 6/28/19 7:15AM--Dianne is going out with a friend tomorrow to see a movie I really wanted to see...until I started reading the reviews--they seem to be "lukewarm"...but I still might go see it, I just dunno when or where...today during the day might be a good idea, except that I don't feel like doing anything yet...although a movie theatre is a good place to go to escape the heat and humidity...so is staying indoors at home...except I think there's something waiting for me at CVS...I'm low on Vyvance...I'll go look into that at 9:00--after McHale's Navy...then I'll come home and watch at least one ST-TOS...as for Dinner, who knows?
   

a long day? I hope not...

      WEDNESDAY 6/26/19 8AM--so I went to Giant in the Kentlands to use the Coinstar kiosk--it was out of order...and they were outta diet root beer...went to Safeway to use their Coinstar, got the same result...I DID get windshield washer fluid...and gas...a little good news--I'm washing the rags, the girls are coming tomorrow...there IS some tidying up to do, but it shouldn't take too long...
  9:20AM--yeah, it's gonna be a long day...I'm SO FUCKIN' SICK OF PASSWORDS and USER NAMES...now I can't get into my Litz/Synchrony Bank account..I'll deal with it tomorrow...I'm experiencing enough stress already...by the time I'm done Lunch I will ABSOLUTELY need a nap--and possibly a Xanax...
      The way I'm feeling right now, physically and otherwise, I'll be having Lunch quite a bit before Noon and be napping before 2:00...thankfully, it's too hot to walk the dog...and I've got stuff to do...
4:37PM--I guess it's the new normal that I don't get much of an afternoon nap...and no matter how "frustrated" I THINK I am, I won't be able to prove it... it's possible that whatever I have for Dinner it will be closer to 5PM than 6PM...and I'll be leaving for practice a little after 6:30 or so...I'm having sandwiches for Dinner mostly to save a few bucks...
         After practice, if I can remember, I'm gonna stop at McDs to get myself dessert...if it's early enough, maybe I'll go to Safeway to get some fudgesicles...I dunno when the cleaning girls are coming, but I hope it's before 9AM...
        11:15PM--I didn't go to McDonald's, but I did stop off at Giant and got the fudgesicles...I thought Dianne was gonna leave a note to let me know when the cleaning ladies are coming--if there is one, I can't find it...oh well...

another fight with technology or the ever present sadness

     TUESDAY 6/25/19 7:15AM--the other day the iTunes icon/thumbnail thingie just vanished...I don't know why and I dunno how to get it back...AARRGH...waiting for the guy to get here and measure the kitchen for new cabinets...
     9:48AM-- the guy has come and gone..I don't think I have any other commitments...which means I'm probably forgetting something...
3:10PM--I may have gotten a bit of a nap, I can't quite remember...I still can't get over both of my electric guitars having new strings on 'em...almost makes me excited about having rehearsal tomorrow...
       But thinking about my loneliness (and stuff) keeps me from doing any kind of happy dance...I must have really pissed Shelley off all those years ago, at Skip's funeral--one of my Life's biggest regrets...Death makes me angry, and when I'm angry, I'm not thinking clearly...it feels like more than five years ago, but that's how long ago it was...I've never heard from her, I don't directly hear from Bill Grimes or Larry Mueller or Mark Lysher...it hurts--a lot...

maybe I dreamed it

      MONDAY 6/24/19 7:45AM--I'm not 100% sure but I think it only took, at the most, 45 minutes to put new strings on "Butterscotch"...it was way easier than usual...maybe I dreamed it...I guess ya can learn stuff watching vids on youTube...It's still early, but it has been a good day so far...and I'm grateful...
                       I'm gonna start on the 4th Thursday songs sometime today...unless I'm forgetting something, I've only got two songs to work on and one of those is a simple (?) key change...
8:51AM--After McHale's Navy, I'll go to get the compression socks or stockings, or whatever they're called...on the way home I gotta stop at Safeway to get baloney...I don't think I need anything else...
12:13PM--I remembered soda, and forgot baloney--now it feels more like the average day--a bit shitty, but not as bad as it could be...I DID get a new set of strings foe "eBay", just dunno when I'm gonna put 'em on it...
6PM--I spent some time today missing my er, uh, sex drive, etc. I took a look at an adult site online...nothing happened, physically anyway...but the loss of those abilities IS pretty depressing, if you ask ME...
11PM-- and feeling friendless is pretty depressing too...there are some Flakebook users I actually used to know that I never hear from...and I reached out to a specific one, and she has ignored me--that really hurts..She was in the DC area in April...I wish I hadn't discovered that...I try to BE HERE NOW, but it's such a struggle for a sentimental old geezer like me...

has it finally happened?

       SUNDAY 6/23/19 6:53AM--twice overnight I thought I heard Dianne watching the Dick Van Dyke Show...the first time, I heard audience laughter followed by applause...the second time, I heard the early theme, which was quite different from later one...I think they only used what I call "the bongo theme" for the first season...I think I should be really REALLY worried, but I'm not--yet...
     9:30AM--Dianne is going to water aerobics...she says she'll back around 11AM...then she's leaving again at around 2 o'clock, more or less...I have no idea when she'll be back...I hope to be napping by the time she leaves, or shortly thereafter...I probably won't change the strings on "Butterscotch" today...I think I'll have more time tomorrow, after I go get my compression socks in Rockville...I hope to   be back from the medical supply store by 11AM, more or less..
     2PM-- time to check my blood sugar, have a pair of fudgsicles and go take a nap...
    5:11PM--the nap lasted about an hour...I got up, took the dog for a walk, and I haven't done anything since...actually, I checked my blood pressure--it's 108/63--hard to believe it's that low...I'm having Mac&Cheese for Dinner...almost had grilled hot dogs and an ear of corn, but Dianne doesn't feel up to it--I'm perfectly fine with that...after the visit with her parents, she's likely to be wiped out...
           I think I'm absolutely back to the way I was before I had that "incident" yesterday, whatever ya call it--*I* dunno what to call it...I kinda would like to know what to call what happened...maybe Dianne rememebers what the nurse said...
      I hope the nap I had today doesn't prevent me from getting enough sleep tonight...BTW, I say that every day and have been saying it for years...as for this evening, I'm recording what I recall is a rather boring episode of STAR TREK so I can watch it at Nine o'clock...as far as I know, I'm not doing anything else...and yet I feel like I'm forgetting something... 
9:50PM- that something is the speeding ticket that I got a month or so ago...it was due TODAY and I just now paid it online, easily--which in itself is a minor miracle; so I paid the fine, with two hours and nine minutes left in the day itself and I printed my receipt...(WHEW) a bizarre end to a bizarre weekend...I feel like doing some sort of happy dance--but I won't, I don't wanna wake Dianne up...hopefully Life will be as good tomorrow as it seems to be right now...

why bother? or now what?

        SATURDAY 6/22/19 8:24AM--somewhat suddenly at about 5AM I started thinking about Angela...I wouldn't mind if she shows up at the OTWC tonight...but I do realize nothing is ever gonna happen--because it CAN'T...even if my "equipment" worked it wouldn't...
           Approximately 10AM-- I don't know what’s wrong with me but, suddenly I don’t feel good...I am quite dizzy, my speech is at  least a little bit slurred; but not so much that Dianne couldn’t understand what I was saying grammatically she just understand what I was saying  intellectually or something…
        1:20PM--not feeling any better...Dianne will likely be going to Unique w/o me...of course, I won't be going out tonight...although miracles DO happen...
  3:27PM--I got a deep, but somewhat short nap...I guess from now on they're going to be 60 minutes long...I almost feel good enuff to go out tonight, but I won't...maybe if it was a band I really liked I'd go...But Built 4 Comfort doesn't do that much for me...a test I gave myself was to climb up a staircase without holding on to railing--that was a cinch....After doing some research, I've come to the conclusion that Vyvance is causing some of my recent problems...my blood sugar number was 137--not good...
                  5:08PM--gonna have half of a Subway sub for Dinner, and have the other half for Lunch tomorrow...
                   7:57PM--I think I'm feeling a lot better, pretty much my normal self...Dianne asked me if I was going out--I said "no"...I don't wanna undo whatever healing I'm experiencing...
                8:08PM--Dianne is guilty of the things she's accusing me of--she's been quite nasty to me since, I think, her Weight Watchers meeting ended...I think she got mad when I accused her of not being supportive enough...I get the impression that she thinks she's been plenty supportive...I don't think she knew what bad shape I was in...
           9:40PM--at this point, I'm (I think) completely back to normal--except for the loud ringing in my ears...I'm starting to get sleepy...c'mon eleven o'clock...

and so we start again

                   FRIDAY 6/21/19 7:30AM--I'm hoping to contact Amerigroup sometime today, after my nap, if I take one...I was sound asleep when Dianne informed me that she was leaving for work...I dunno if I'm going out tonight, but I still doubt it...There's talk of going to Unique tomorrow...that might be nice...
    9:16AM--I belatedly realized FRIENDS is on Netflix...so I've started with episode ONE...at 10AM I might switch to TBS and watch the FRIENDS episodes there--or not...I think MASH is on Netflix as well...I wish Time Tunnel was...I think VOYAGE...might be...
         10:46AM--getting sleepy...hoping to make it to 12:30...I don't think I can make it to 1PM...and I need to think about Dinner at some point, later today...maybe I'll finally make it to Wendy's...I'm really gonna try to contact Amerigroup later...scared though I may be...
     4:01PM--actually got in touch with Amerigroup !!! there is a medical supply store in Rockville, on Nebel St. that is supposed to recognize Amerigroup/Medicaid insurance...the plan is to go on Monday...for now I'll assume that everything will work in my favor...for the third time, I'm gonna try for Dinner from Wendy's...As for Dinner on Saturday evening, who knows? And I do plan on going out Saturday evening--maybe...
            8:53PM--I don't think I'm gonna make it past Ten o'clock...which probably means I'll be waking up at 6AM, whether I want to or not...All I gotta do is take the trash can out to the curb...I think we're going to Unique after Dianne does her Saturday morning stuff... I dunno if I'm gonna buy anything; I can't...if I stick to my weekly budget, that is...I started out Wed morning with $100 and now I've got  $45 in my pocket...That's an average of roughly $18 a day...I've really gotta start pinching pennies again...On Monday I'm gonna look for the paperwork for the Litz Credit Card...
           I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried a little bit...whatever's gonna happen, good or bad, it's ultimately my fault...and knowing that doesn't make me feel good...I'm gonna try to let go of all that until Monday...

21st technology sucks BIG TIME

          THURSDAY 6/20/19 7AM--Apple sucks, but that's where iTunes lives...and I hope (but I doubt) that Stoney Johnstone appreciates what I'm going through for ONE FUCKING SONG...*I* wouldn't make anybody go thru this hassle...
     It’s gonna be a long LONG  LONG  day...and *I* don’t think I deserve all the shit that’s been dumped on me in the past HOUR or so...Dianne is working from home today--certainly didn't expect THAT...so far  the only good news is that I don't have to go far to play an open mic with Lou...the weather may be horrible by then though...like I said, a fucking LONG day...
      But it was nice to get back to seeing Dr.Borelli again...for starters, we're reducing the amount of Welbutrin and trying to get used to the idea that there are  AM meds and PM meds...I AM looking forward to going out tonight...a little bit...
       4:20PM--it has been a rotten day for the most part, I hope the visit to the Grape Escape will make me feel a little better...
11PM--it didn't....and I've spent my time back home fighting with technology--AGAIN...I think I might possibly perhaps have the new iTunes in my laptop, maybe...
        Part of what I'm sad about is the idea that no matter how much I wanna be with someone, Angela for instance, it ain't gonna happen--ever....and not just because she doesn't feel the same way...I didn't cheat on Dianne when she was my girlfriend or my wife and now she's my ex-wife, and I still can't bring myself to "cheat" on her...not that I have anyone to cheat with...

why do I even bother?

          WEDNESDAY--6/19/19 5;47PM--I was sweaty when I jumped in the shower; and now that I'm sitting still, doing next to nothing--I'm sweating again...
                  The first damage done to my car since I got it, unless I'm forgetting something, was done today by Dianne...I've tried to teach her how to use the rear view camera, but she's not getting it...
               As far as I know, Lou and I are still going to the open mic tomorrow evening...haven't heard from him yet today...if we didn't go, that would be OK with me...I don't think any of the bands I think I'm in are practicing any time soon...I have no plans to go out Friday,  Saturday or Sunday...that could change, but I wouldn't put money on it...
       I had concerns about who I'd be talking to tomorrow at Family Services...thankfully, it is supposed to be Dr. Borelli...I feel as though I'll have a LOT to talk about...I suspect she'll be changing my meds, I dunno which ones...

indecision

                          TUESDAY 6/18/19 6:55PM--As messed up as I have been, there have been flashes of cleverness...There was one (or two) earlier today and another one when I started working on the trash...I realized that I could leave room in the trash bag that was going out this evening and put the kitty litter in there rather than leaving it in the kitchen trash can...
          On the other hand, my car door was apparently open from the time I came home from the grocery store this morning until about two hours ago...the policeman at the door brought me the news...one of my neighbors closed it, but I dunno when...
           Family Services called to remind me about my Thursday morning appointment; I wanna check with them to see if Dr. Borelli is back yet...
            If she's not, I guess I'll have to deal with "Dr. G" instead...And I think I'd better go get those compression socks tomorrow--IF I have to shell out any money, I'll have some...but I hope I don't have to pay for the socks...I have $60 in my checking account at this point in time...I was hoping there would be more, but there's not...Money might be as tight now as when I was working...It's been awhile since I had to pinch the pennies that hard...
           WEDNESDAY 6/19/19 7:44AM--I got the SSA check, so IF I have to pay for the compression socks, maybe I can...the printer might be running low on black ink, I'm not sure, but there was a glitch of some sort when I tried to print something...it happened twice, so I suspect it will continue to happen until the cartridge is replaced...working with the CDs might have to wait...
       Thunderstorms are likely today...I'd be okay without 'em...I should be working on my Musical homework and/or practicing the keyboard...but I don't feel like doing (almost) anything...

ch-ch-ch-changes

          MONDAY 6/17/19 6:50AM--as I predicted a few years ago, SLR and Tom are getting married;*I* think Dianne and I will be invited--she does not.....we have a $5 bet riding on it...I needed some cash so went to the Bank, got $20, and went to Safeway...Ultimately, I have $13 in my pocket now, not to be used until tomorrow...I know it's way early, but it has been a good day so far...😊 Gonna go look for something to hold CDs in...just dunno when...
   9:38AM--finished a musically connected pair of CDs...FRIENDS is on until 1 o'clock...I guess I'll try to take a nap at that time...whenever I get up, I will hopefully head for the basement and find some kinda container...unless I go downstairs sooner than that--before Lunch...
10:24AM--I just remembered...I have Laundry to do; the way my body feels right now I think I will wait until about 3:00 before I take on any Projects...
Noon--I went downstairs to do Laundry...while I was down there I thought I'd make a casual search for any kinda of container for the car to hold CDs in...didn't find one, but I found the (opened)  package that held about two dozen empty cases that I was thinking about yesterday...and I found even  MORE CDs that I could play in the car...unless I've already inadvertently made 2 or 3 copies of 'em in the past couple of days...so, after Lunch I'll switch the Laundry...I might wait until it's completely finished before I try to take a nap...which could be around two o'clock...
4:40PM--I'm so messed up...I was having fun with the CDs, but now it's getting kinda boring, even though I'm still having trouble doing it...I wish I had a dollar for every time I've lost interest in something I thought I was excited about..
7PM--played with the CDs some more, but I'm done for tonight, if not longer...can't wait to get a CD holder for the car, impatience being another of my problems...but I have to wait until Wednesday..at this point in time I can afford to get maybe two bottles of Giant brand diet root beer...I don't think I need anything else...
8:34PM--no soda, but there's Grape--and lots of it...I think I'm recording Star Trek, so I'll watch that starting at about 9PM...I keep finding CDs, some of which I burned several years ago...most of them don't have cases, so I will have to manufacture song list inserts...I hope to do that tomorrow, even though Dianne will be working from home--upstairs, but still...

on my way back

               SUNDAY 6/1619 5PM--I feel tired or something physically, but mentally, I think I'm almost all the way back...the ears are still ringing quite a bit, maybe slightly less than earlier...I'm considering taking a Melatonin before bedtime...I dunno what's on my agenda for Monday... I dunno what's going on open mic-wise, or Band practice-wise...I guess I'd better check my Calendar tonight...there may be Doctor's appointments, I don't know--yet...like I said earlier, there doesn't appear to be anything on TV tonight...I dunno when I'll be going to sleep, probably around Midnight, maybe sooner...I don't think I will be, but I hope I'm sleepy enough...
                    I'm actually looking forward to Mac&Cheese...I haven't had that for Dinner in awhile; and the last time I DID, all I had to do was crank up the microwave...This evening I'll have to boil water, etc. I think I remember how to prepare the meal...gonna start on that around 6:30 or so...Whether I want to or not, I'm gonna check in with Facebook at some point...it's the only way I can know what my so-called "friends" are up to...it hardly matters what's going on next weekend; I probably won't get the unofficial schedule of events until Monday evening...I hope I'm feeling better by then, which doesn't mean I'm going out anywhere...and of course "that time of the month" is coming up in about a week and a half...like always, I have homework to do...
10:42PM--I think I might be as mentally "with it" as usual...I feel tired and I took a Melatonin...If I could sleep until 6AM, without getting up in the middle of the night, I'd be happy...Tomorrow I have to go to Safeway and buy cheese and baloney...but first I gotta stop off at the Bank...I hope to get myself $20 from my checking account...And that $20 has to last thru Monday and Tuesday...I think it will, even after I go to Safeway...Lou has a plan for us, but I dunno when he's gonna implement it...I think I'd rather go to the Grape Escape on Thursday (?) than Hershey's on Wednesday(?)...If I could find my phone I would check the message Lou sent me...

scrambled Brain for breakfast

       SUNDAY 6/16/19 11AM--it has taken me almost three hours to burn TWO CDs, and
design the labels...and find the cases to hold them in...it shoulda taken thirty minutes...it would
have taken most of my friends probably fifteen minutes...UPDATE--they both play the way they're supposed to, for which I'm really really grateful
        My Brain has NEVER been this scrambled...it kinda scares me a little...I was out of the
TAMULOSIN, and my ATENOLOL was missing...I had been out of TAM for a few days but
I don't know how long or even IF I was out of ATEN..but when I found it, I took one--a little
while after having taken my other morning meds...I'm soooo glad I'm not going with Dianne to
celebrate FATHER'S DAY with her family...
               What I AM hoping to do today is nothing...I wasn't gonna tell Dianne about my situation
but I did...She's "tired of hearing about it"...the "it" in question is my being short-tempered, "always
complaining about something", and generally being negative...I said, "It's great the way you support
me..." In MEDICAL NEWS, I was up in the middle of the night with a slight stomach ache...I sat on the toilet in such a way that my left foot fell seriously asleep...why only ONE foot ? The tummy ache
went away eventually...
11:44AM--Dianne is leaving to go get her nails done...she's coming back after that...somewhere
around 4:00 she leaves for Riderwood... I think a few of my brain cells are rejuvenating themselves..I hope that continues...
12:56PM--I might be having technical problems with one (or both?) Blogs.Or maybe my accidentally changing the width of the right side margin will turn out to be a good thing...if in fact, that's what happened...I might be imagining things changed when in actuality, nothing changed...
1:17PM--I read (on the internet) that Xanax can reduce tinnitus...I just took one...dunno if I'll be able to tell the difference...
TECH NEWS--it has belatedly occurred to me that these blogs could be way more colorful...I don't print what are (to me) "private" diary entries, so I won't be using any ink...
4:33PM--nothing on TV, so I'll be watching stuff I've recorded...Part of me wants to go downstairs to look for a CD case and part of me does not...I dunno which choice I'm gonna make...I don't wanna take on a Gov't Project this late in the day, it's nearly 5PM...I almost feel like working on the CDs; when I do it correctly, it's fun...Money is really tight right now...I've got five or six dollars in my pocket, and $80 in the Bank...I have to take $20 out which will have to last until Tuesday night...

now THAT'S a surprise

          SATURDAY 6/1 5:38PM--just got back from Annapolis...I was preparing myself for the job of mowing the lawn, but somebody beat me to it ! Maybe it was the guy who normally does it...whoever it was, may good fortune shine on him, for an undetermined length of time...it's such a relief to NOT have to do it, it hasn't quite sunk in yet...
650PM--ran a couple more errands, hopefully NOW I'm in for the night...no matter who's playing where, I ain't going...why would I go where I feel invisible ? And of course, there's the tinnitus...so, although there doesn't seem to be anything on TV, I'm home until tomorrow...

usually I LIKE surprises

                   SATURDAY 8AM--so I went to the tool shed to see what condition the "acoustic" mower was in...As I predicted, it’s covered in rust...I was stunned to find an electric mower sitting in the shed...I'm gonna try it, and hope plugging  it in won't turn out to be a bad decision...
10:05AM-the electric mower worked ! I didn’t do much mowing;  the grass is tall and wet...It could be dry by the time Dianne and I get back from Annapolis...not only does the mower work, but *I* still do too...  I only worked for a few minutes, maybe 15… what I kind(a like to know is, theoretically, how long after a man does strenuous work would I (theoretically) have a heart attack? I feel ok now... but I was sweating profusely after I finished, or actually AFTER I got out of the shower…that didn’t make sense to me, but that’s usually how it works with my body…as little mowing as I did, I feel like I accomplished something...on the other hand, I still have a fair amount of work to do, so I wouldn’t mind being home by five o’clock or so...Dinner? I don’t know...money is extremely tight right now...not completely sure why...

only a memory

              THURSDAY 6/13/19 Noon--maybe it was just me, but I used to use the term "frustrated" instead of "horny"...at least to myself and in front of Dianne...but now it's actually true, I AM frustrated...and it sucks...not that I have someone else to "play with"...and of course, to my knowledge, no one else is interested in me...
           Still playing with CDs and cases...and printing lists...I'm treating this project like a substitute for Sirius/XM radio...I have way more blank CDs than I have Playlists...I don't think I''ll ever run outta songs, my iTunes Library has about 4500 songs in it...it turns out that while my car stereo can do a lot of things, Sirius XM is NOT one of them...so making a pile of CDs for the car makes absolute sense...the thing I can't seem to control is the order they are played in...but I'm OK with that--trying to be spontaneous and/or less rigid...
FRIDAY12:08PM--I've just spent the better part of TWO HOURS NOT scanning/copying a photo of a balloon...after Lunch I hope to take a nap--I guess naps are going to be an hour long, not used to that yet...After that I'm gonna look around in the basement for something to hold my CDs in when I'm in the car...If I'm gonna leave 'em in the car, the case shouldn't be able to melt...
1:18PM--I WAS gonna take my nap on the couch, but Muzzy took my spot...so if I'm only gonna get an hour's worth of sleep, maybe I can go to the basement and look for a CD case...MY plan is to walk the dog not before 3:30, no matter what Muzzy wants to do...
6:48 PM--I never made it to the basement...gonna try again Sunday...I think there's two or three DOZEN CDs ready to go...I'd say in the past two days alone I've done more than a dozen...and I've found roughly a dozen more...inevitably there are duplicates--that's called a "screw-up"...
7:31PM--I just might be mowing the front lawn Sat. morning; assuming we still have a completely "manual" mower in the tool shed...I'm pretty sure it will be a Gov't Project just to get it OUT of the shed...I feel like working on that NOW, but I won't...after all, it's time to start chillin' out...as for the Saturday trash, all I gotta do is take the can out to the curb...I think I'll wait until tomorrow morning for that...
8:10PM-I still WANT to look for the mower, but I won’t...I’ll wait until tomorrow morning... I’m having trouble winding down...truth be told, I’m not really trying, so I’d better get on with that...I don’t expect to be in bed before 11PM...

there's gotta be something

     TUESDAY 6/11/19 8:06AM--other than the haircut, I don't think I have any other obligations...at least I hope not...I think I've done all my dirty laundry, but I haven't put it away yet...
         Ran into a Safeway customer I used to see occasionally when I worked there...she's probably the only woman roughly my age that I would date...she's not drop dead gorgeous, but I like her...I never learned her name...oh well...
           Gonna start getting ready for the cleaning ladies today; gonna wash the rags sometime today...finally got that can of spaghetti that I wanted, that's today's Dinner... 
     3:48PM--walked the dog AND walked to CVS and back...the two trips together added up to just under a half mile...I don't feel as bad physically as I think I normally would--a half mile feels like more than enough of a walk for someone my age in my condition...the ringing in my ears is pretty bad right now...I will likely take some Melatonin before bedtime, allegedly that reduces the ringing a little...
6PM--Dianne is trying out Sirius/XM radio...I'm a bit jealous, but as long as my phone doubles as (among other things) an Mp player, I'll be fine...
WEDNESDAY  6/12/19 10:37AM--I've been going thru my random/loose CDs, making identifying lables and hopefully finding cases for them...
4:33PM--Still at it...some of the cases are empty, some of the CDs don't HAVE cases...some of the cases have CDs in them, but do not have a list of the songs attached...and the most tedious job--on some of the CDs, the tracks do not have the title and/or the name of the Artist listed...and I keep finding CDs all over the house...I just got the word;  Maria and the gang are coming at approximately 8AM...as for what might be going on at 8PM tomorrow, I have no idea...
5:45PM--I'm not gonna do anymore of what I've been doing all day, I'm gonna start winding down, hopefully...canned spaghetti for Dinner is alright by me...
7PM- and it was  as delicious as I thought it would be… Dianne has gone out for the evening, and I have not; I think I’m going out tomorrow night, I think she is too… I’ll probably end up at the out-of-the-way café...but I might end up at the Grape Escape...
THURSDAY 6/13/19 9:15AM--the cleaning ladies have been and gone...now I gotta find the stuff that was laying around the living room, the stuff that I kinda need...for instance, I can't label the CDs without a Sharpie...and I'm aware that I'm likely making copies of CDs that I already have copiess of...such is Life...and once again, I'm fighting with technology...I dunno why but iTunes won't open--at all...

FUCK "modern" technology

      MONDAY 4:48PM--I spent the better part of an hour cataloging the contents of an unidentified CD...I was then  forced to make a playlist...I don't know why, but the song list came out NOT in order...it just wasn't worth what I went thru to get things back to normal...and THEN I saw that the BFF songs and the Roches songs were already on (separate) playlists...Dianne is home now, she's dealing with Verizon with regard to the fucked-up TV situation...and I believe she has just resolved it in a positive way...
                     I don't feel guilty about taking a Xanax in the middle of the day...maybe I should have taken two...IN MEDICAL NEWS--I think my ability to "enjoy myself" is officially a thing of the past...So when I say I'm attracted to some woman, what kind of attraction is it? I have no idea anymore...it feels in my head like a "physical" attraction...but the feeling in my head doesn't manifest itself anywhere else, and frankly, I miss that sensation...
          I don't quite need one, but I'm getting a haircut tomorrow--at 10AM...

it seems like a good idea

         SUNDAY 6/9/19 8:33PM--the plan for tomorrow, well, one of them anyway, is to go around the house and collect all the "homemade" CDs I can find and box them up...I think they're scattered all over the house, but mostly in the basement...
      MONDAY 6/10/19 8:19AM-- the living room TV buttons are fucked up...there's no program guide...I dunno what the problem is or how to fix it...I have to use the guide on the TV in the kitchen...at least I don't have to go upstairs every time I wanna know what's coming up...in other TECH NEWS, I think I know how to checkmark ALL of my iTunes songs at once and/or UNcheckmark all of them at once...the first really good thing to happen today, more or less...
         11:30AM--I went thru most of the boxes/containers and gathered the CDs...there are a LOT of them w/o cases...I don't think I have an equal number of cases...and I'm not 100% sure I'm finished...but for today, I think I am...there IS one more big container to go through...Actually, I don't think there are many, if any, CDs in the big container, but there certainly could be...what I've done so far has made me tired...
     

welcome back? or go away?

                 FRIDAY 6/7/19 7:07PM--Dianne is back; I feel a little less lonely and I'm sure the animals are
happy she's back as well...I'm staying in tonight, but it's gonna be a busy weekend...we're going to see a  movie tomorrow, after which I might go out to see the Crimestoppers (sigh) at Hershey's (another sigh) but not w/o my earplugs...Sunday we're brunching with Dianne's parents...beyond that, I know nothing...
              SATURDAY 6/8/19 2:42PM--dressed to go to the movies and Dinner, and after a change of shirts, Hershey's...I dunno who will be there, but Jessica says she won't be...I don't think Angela will be there either...oh well...we're leaving in about 30 minutes...
             The movie itself has been getting lukewarm reviews, but I already paid for the tickets, so...Dinner is a mystery at this point...hopefully the food court has something for me to eat...
    They did--McDonald's...
SUNDAY 1:02AM--I went to Hershey's, hung out, helped sing CINNAMON GIRL...no matter how hard I try, I can't be shy and introverted--that's not me...and I fell "in love" again--her name is Ann......by Dawn I will hopefully have extinguished the feeling--whatever it's REALLY called...she was a NOT skinny woman with dark hair and she was wearing glasses...in addition, I hung out a little with Carolyn--and Jeff Jones...that was not easy...looking at Facebook, specifically the aforementioned Ann, who I don't know and Shelly Williams (!) who I used to know so long ago has made me feel kinda lonely...or something...
8:19AM--and I still feel the same way this morning...my ears aren't ringing quite as much as usual, that's good news...I'm doing Laundry, and there's still a lot of it...I'm not gonna be able to wear shorts, but that's OK, I've got pairs of long pants I can wear--that aren't bluejeans...
5:35PM--actually I DID wear shorts to the Brunch with Dianne and the ex-in-laws...on the way back home I started thinking about Ann and how some other guy (Joe) seemed to be connecting with her--leaving his friend? girlfriend? date? chatting with ME...her name is Shelly, which has gotten me thinking about MY Shelly, who never ever was mine to begin with...she turned 61 a few days ago...she looks great, not that my opinion matters any...and while I DID wish her a happy birthday, I don't expect her to reply...but wouldn't that be nice? Even "leave me alone!" might be better than nothing at all...I'm not quite as happy as I was when I arrived at Hershey's last night...which was fairly happy...
 

again? really?

                THURSDAY 6/6/19 7:02AM--ears ringing quite a bit...should probably get used to it...the (loose) schedule for today: breakfast at 8AM, start laundry at 9, work on my Archive project-- (NOT) urgent, BTW...figure out what I'm gonna play tonight--thinking four, maybe five, who knows?
               I got so much sleep last night I woke up with a tiny headache...I think I went to bed at Midnight, and I know I woke up at 6:30AM...for me that's a lotta sleep...Muzzy was with me, probably the whole time...Sophie? not at all as far as I know...
                 Gonna start on my "to do" list starting at 9, after McHale's Navy...not completely sure how long the list is, I'll just wing it, as usual...
8AM- actually, I already started the to do list…  but I just had a large monkey wrench thrown into my plans--Dianne is arriving at BWI tonight at approximately 11 o’clock… in theory, if I left the open mic at exactly 10 o’clock I should be at BWI by the time the plane lands… The way I see it I have three choices-go to the open mic and leave it 10, go to the open mic and leave early, or don’t go at all…  my knee-jerk reaction is that ‘not going’ is not an option...
8:41AM- I’m not a gambling man, so going to the open mic and staying all evening and then racing to BWI is NOT an option…I think  what I am going to do is go to the open mic stay an hour or 2 1/2 and then leave for the airport… I might sing a song or two, but I am not obsessed with the idea...
12:33PM--NOT gonna go--too risky...
4:11PM--just got back from the DR.'s office...now I'm just gonna do almost nothing until I leave for BWI, somewhere around 9:30 or so...ugh..
8:08PM--it didn't EVEN occur to me that I'd be bringing Linda AND Deb back home as well...not too happy about that...but there's NOTHING I can do about it...so both the trip TO BWI and the trip home might both be somewhat stressful...except that I have a CD I can just pop into the player and forget about...Oh, and by the way, I DID do some laundry, but there's plenty more where that came from...I hope to be in bed by 2AM Friday...
10:50PM- The trip to BWI was uneventful...there’s a Shell station nearby from which I’ve bought a Klondike bar and a bottle of soda-and I used the public restroom…I’d like to think I’ll be hearing from Dianne any minute now, but I don’t know that for a fact…
 11:06PM- just heard from Dianne…They just landed; now they have to wait for their luggage and then Dianne will call  to tell me where to meet them

now what happens?

           MONDAY 6/3/19 6:25PM--Dianne's aunt has passed away...knowing it was coming doesn't make it any easier to bear...Taking care of things around here is my responsibility, but who's gonna keep an eye on Mike and Linda's? It could be me...I don't mind...It's not too early to start "winding down" before bedtime, whenever that will be...
          TUESDAY 6/4/19 AM--I was starting to worry that I was becoming a genuine psycho...I seem to be attracted to women who are way WAY WAY too young for me...not ALL of the women fit that description by the way...in any case, any and every female I think about would be disappointed if we found ourselves in an "intimate" situation...all of this leads to: Jen was working at PetSmart today...while I was there I talked to the Manager about being a cashier; for probably the fourth or fifth time...
               I'm driving Dianne to Mike and Linda's and then they leave for Peabody...I think tthe're coming back on Friday, but I'm picking Dianne up at BWI--which I'm happy about because I won't have to go to Dulles...I don't like Dulles or National; I know how to get to BWI and back, at least I THINK I do...
4:55PM--A small townhouse is quite a bit bigger when you're alone in it--the dog and the cat don't make the difference...staying in tonight, going to Hershey's tomorrow night...A guy I know asked me to back him up vocally on a Jackson Browne song and I said yes...Thursday? who knows?  The song writers' open mic is happening at the out-of-the-way café...I’ll probably end up there…
5:30PM--Dianne doesn't even leave for Boston until 7:30 and I already miss her...I don't exactly want to, but I'm gonna sleep in HER room, probably until she gets back...as for keeping occupied, I've got plenty of laundry to do...but that won't/shouldn't take all day..
8:19PM--in addition to laundry, I have to prepare for LOU & SCOTT'S appearance at the Hershey's open mic Wednesday evening...it surprised me when Lou presented the idea via text messaging...and I hadn't thought of mentioning to HIM...I wish Jackie was hosting, but she's not...
10PM-trying to make it to Midnight... I think I can...
WEDNESDAY--6/5/19 9AM-- I didn't make it to Midnight...after my early afternoon nap, I will study some more for the open mic...
3:46--I'm sure Muzzy wants to go for a walk; actually I do too, but it's supposed to be raining soon and with my luck, we would get caught in it...I don't feel like taking that risk...on the other hand, I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't rain, now that I've decided to stay in... I'm leaving somewhere around 6PM or so...don't know when I'll be back...after I go to Wendy's (or wherever I'm gonna have dinner) I'm going to Hershey's...hoping to be there before 7PM...

ah technology

         


             SUNDAY-6/2/19 8:30AM-after I don’t know how many years, maybe almost 10 years, I had to change the password to get into the laptop it turns out that the laptop is somehow connected to Microsoft and I changed the Microsoft password itself a few days ago...I may have just changed it again this morning, I don’t really know...technology is still not always my friend but it’s a pretty good day anyhow...
            4:30PM-- Went to the movies; saw ROCKET MAN...I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it...I got some Melatonin...it's supposed to help me fall asleep and reduce the tinitus...
MONDAY 6/3/19 8AM--not going to the final open mic at GYY--I'm on the verge of catching a cold...although a lot can happen between now and 7PM or so...
11:32AM--walked to Safeway and back...bought cereal (fairly healthy) and deviled ham (not so healthy) then came home...while I MIGHT go to GYY tonight after all, I STILL dunno what I'm gonna play...

be careful what you wish for

                "I don't think you'd hurt me, but the kisses, even on my cheek, make me nervous..."  I took a deep breath and said  "I would absolutely leave you alone if that's what you wanted...and I would kinda do the opposite--if you wanted me to go down on you right here in this parking lot, I'd do it..." Once she caught her breath, she said, "Oh Scott, I wish I could say that had strong feelings for you, but I don't...I AM your friend, that should count for something." I let out a long sigh and told Jessica "It does." She hugged me and I pressed  her tightly to my waist...I  got more than a little excited almost instantly..."Let me go" she said, with  some anger in her voice...I did, but I told her "I would never EVER hurt you, but to have that experience for the first time since I can't remember when, well, it just might have been worth making you mad at me...”
SUNDAY 6/2/19 12:42AM--the earplugs I brought from home were so-so...I bought a pair from a friend and liked them almost immediately ...I think they have 'em at CVS...Among other things I told Jessica that her boyfriend was "one lucky bastard"...At first, I went to shake her hand, but she indicated that a hug was OK...*I* said "I'm afraid I wouldn't let go..." She laughed, of course...

not a single thing

             SATURDAY 6/1/19 11:22AM--went to a church flea market AND the Monthly Germantown flea market...I bought a can of soda and a donut, not in that order...
4:45PM--I went to take a nap at about two o'clock--I slept for a half hour, then my Mind stated to wander...eventually, I had Dinner and after dealing with a slight flooding problem in the basement, went to the OTWC...