is it a sickness?

       SATURDAY 1/25/2020 11:02 AM--I see a pretty girl and something happens to me...NOT something sexual or physical, but something emotional (?)...Something inside me wishes I was a LOT younger than I am, although I certainly wouldn't wanna be that guy again...and I absolutely wouldn't wanna look like that guy again...maybe that's why I didn't have a serious girlfriend until I was 26 years old...and even then I didn't look all that good...the girl in question was pretty if a bit chubby--but I prefer what I call "pleasingly plump" anyway...not all the females I look at these days are girls (whatever age that is) but most of them seem to be...even the women I seem to be attracted to (for whatever reason) are at least a few years younger than me...Angela, for example...really, it sucks being me...
1:09 PM--maybe it's because I have the confidence NOW that I didn't have back then...and because I'm marginally better looking now than I was then...
1:55 PM--this feeling of confidence has also given birth to an inflated sense of what I think I can do--like have my own online radio show...so for the second time, I'll have to check with Ken "Carpenter" at the next Reverbs practice--this coming Tuesday at one o'clock, to find out what equipment I would need...and even as I type all this, it feels like a total fantasy, a waste of time...
5:19 PM--had a really good nap, that one Xanax probably helped...I kinda want to go out tonight, but it's more likely that I won't go anywhere...I'm sure there's stuff for me to do tomorrow before I go to Takoma Park...in other News, I got my hat today. and my new wallet yesterday--both in the mail box (?)...I guess Amazon has some kind of relationship with the USPS...both items fit me perfectly...
SUNDAY 1/26/2020 9:50 PM--still feeling pretty crummy...had a tough time getting home from Takoma Park direction-wise...VERY frustrating...Dinner went well enough; I had a Subway sub, spread out over an hour or so, before the jam...the only food I saw at the VFW Post 350 was potato chips...I think I'll make it to 11PM, but I'm not so sure about making it to Midnight...unless I watch the two back to back Dick Van Dyke Show episodes that start at eleven o'clock...
MONDAY 1/27/2020 7:44 AM--at the risk of sounding like a broken record, or skipping CD, I don't feel like doing much of anything...I suppose I HAVE to go to ACME practice tonight, but I don't think I have to do anything else--except put the clean dishes away...hot dogs for Dinner seems likely...