nothing to brag about

       SUNDAY 5/19/19 7:10AM--so this is what 64 feels like...not really all that different from 63, as far as I can see...My Life hasn't gone the way I wanted it to; that's mostly my fault...and knowing it's mostly my fault makes me feel a bit worse...I went to Broadcasting School because I wanted to be a DJ...I was for a month or so then that dream died...I think that maybe the Last Chance Band might have possibly gone on to bigger things--but it didn't and that dream died...I thought that perhaps I might possibly somehow be able to put an album of my Music out, like many of my "friends" have--and that dream is probably dead...unless I win the Lottery, to the tune of $15,000 dollars or so...that's after taxes, by the way...but you gotta play it to win it, and *I* believe I have the potential to develop a gambling addiction--and I can't afford that.
                       So my Life is nothing to brag about...and again, knowing there may be millions of people who can say that doesn't help all that much...it has belatedly occurred to me that Ray Weaver, to cite one example, hasn't quite fulfilled HIS ambition--close perhaps, but not all the way...
           So today's big event is the Jonatha Brooke concert tonight in DC...I'm trying not to worry about the logistics of getting there, but it will be quite a process...
9:00AM--or I can just forget the whole fuckin' thing--I'm sure I've thrown away $70 before, maybe not in one fell swoop though... but over the course of about 64 years, I've thrown away way more than 70  bucks...the Bass guitar I currently have might qualify as money thrown away; I'm gonna seriously practice with it to determine once and for all if it hurts my hand...and if it does, I might trade it in for something that won't hurt my left hand...
                Like I told someone, the concert experience itself is not always satisfying to me...at least I've got the (signed) DVD, even though it was shot in 2006...it's just about 90 minutes long...I can watch as much of it as I want to, when I want to, naked if I so desire...I DO wish I'd gotten it before I bought the tickets to her show...and I could have, if my Brain worked better...and that's only gonna get worse...it was Dianne who (tactlessly?) pointed out that I hadn't thought everything through...
     There are probably more benefits to cancelling the trip than going to the show...I don't have to worry about logistics, or the potentially horrible weather...or looking at an empty seat that I couldn't GIVE away (THAT hurts a bit)...or being among people that I might find to be boorish...or people that might find ME to be boorish--I wish I didn't care what people think of me, but I do...and for all *I* know, the guitarist I wanna see/hear might not be the guitarist currently in her band...she might not play songs I like or know...I do think she'll play at least one, right? But which one? I don't have to figure out what when and where I'm gonna have Dinner...one downside might be that none of my fantasies will even have a chance of coming true...the most feasible one being running into Jonatha on the street before the show...of course, knowing me, my legs would turn to Jell-O and I probably wouldn't be able to control what comes outta my Mouth...
                  I already feel OK with cancelling the trip into DC...I regret losing the money a bit...and I won't have the opportunity to take photos...