not a surprise

     SATURDAY 8/3/19 7:27PM--so I'll be going to see the Crosby movie alone after all...Dianne is gonna be very busy tomorrow and my going to Brunch with her and her folks would complicate things...so my Plan is to go as early as possible...then I'll have most of Sunday to myself...the first showing (to my knowledge) is 10:30AM, and I intend to be in the theatre by then...
  SUNDAY 10 AM-I'm in my seat at the theater, the very back row, dead center… I am 30 minutes early, but I don’t care… Having M&Ms for breakfast… 
1:34PM--The Crosby biopic may have had a profound effect on me...to a considerable degree, anger directed at other people just might be pointless...and "winning" in ANY kind of conflict/relationship is a hollow, temporary victory...I may have trouble taking the "high road" at first, but that's what I'm gonna try to do from now on...
5:49PM--starting tomorrow I guess...
8:12PM--I said something not too long ago about not depending on my Meds to make me "normal"...I should take some responsibility for that metamorphosis ...but I don't feel like it--that's what depression is all about...my reaction to a Fakebook photo of Angela was to say that she looked sad...someone else said she looked angry...she labeled us "haters"...it took a considerable amount will power to NOT tell her how I feel about her...so much for Woman's intuition, right? or maybe she DOES know and doesn't feel the least bit the same way about me...and yes I admit my attraction (genuine or not) is a physical one...I don't know her well enough to comment on anything except her taste in Music...there seems to be a fair amount of Music she likes that I can't relate to...
        And of course, I'm ME...this is what I look like...I am not as financially secure as I would like to be...and I am not as independent (emotionally and otherwise) as I would like to be...it would break Dianne's heart if I "befriended" another woman...and besides, I am not able to be "intimate" with a woman in a way that she might find satisfying...I'm supposed to say it could be worse...maybe, but it feels bad enough to me, thank you very much...
 2:35AM- can’t sleep… I mean really wide-awake and restless, and I don’t know why… I don’t like it ..took TWO Xanax...should’ve done that instead of taking the Melatonin-THAT was a waste of time...it’s possible that I’ve built up a tolerance to it...PS-I turned the fan on, maybe I need the sound of it to help me sleep...